Being called mom has been one of the greatest joys I’ve experienced so far. Hearing our children call out Mommy, Daddy, is something that daily I delight in now. It has been incredible to see how easily our children have taken to using these names as they address us. Before traveling to Ethiopia I wondered if it would be difficult for them, or if they even knew what it meant, or if they just thought that our actual proper names were Mommy and Daddy.
After being home a few weeks now I’m realizing that yes they do understand the significance of the name, but I don’t think they always realize that we’re not other kids mommy and daddy too. I also don’t think they’ve singularly claimed us as their parents either. As if, Sally and Joe, or John and Susie could be their Mommy and Daddy too.
If you’ve done much adoption reading there is a lot to say about bonding and attachment. At a glance we see very resilient children in our home. Children who have experienced a lot more trauma and disruption than most kids their age and are dealing amazingly well. A few times each day I am aware of their intentional affection towards us and their attempts to seek us out. But, and there is a BIG BUT here, we also recognize their lack of eye contact, over the top reactions to small things, avoidance of our initiative in affection, and lack of seeking us out when in a crowd.
So far we’ve had an approach that says, “Time and Truth are on our side.” Meaning that given time and the daily truth Fikadu and Tigist see lived out, along with the fact that we honestly believe God has sovereignly placed these children in our lives; they will come to understand what it means to have a mommy and a daddy, and live in a family. While this approach is guiding how we interact with others we recognize the need to be very intentional in seeking additional avenues to continue the bonding and attachment we hope to achieve.
And since I’ve seen our reader count jump from about 45 a day to over 500 visits in a day I’d love to hear some of the reader’s insight into creative ways of promoting attachment. Here are a few questions:
1. When you first arrived home with your adoptive child what interaction did you and didn’t you allow? (Who held or interacted with your child, where did you or didn’t you take them, and how long did you limit other interaction at first?)
2. What do you think has been one or two of the most important things you’ve done to promote bonding and attachment with your child?
Here’s to hoping that in the near future the name “Mommy” will be chalk full of much more meaning!
6 Comments
February 18, 2009 at 3:01 am
When we first arrived home with your child, we did all of the caring for him -diapers, bottles, changing clothes, washing, etc… My MIL cried when she asked to do a bottle and we told her that he needed to take it from us. I was so glad to hear that my FIL and mom both tried to help her understand. (That is why we had them read “Supporting an Adoption” in the first place -to avoid the hurt feelings!)
We took B to church with us the first couple of weeks were were home, but we kept him close in the baby carrier so that people didn’t get in his face and want to take him from us. We are not going to put him in the nursery for a few more months. (He has been home for 3 1/2 months.) I don’t want to take him out of an orphanage to put him back into a mass childcare situation.
I think that B knows that we are “Mama” and “Da” because we are the ones who see to his every need.
February 19, 2009 at 2:36 am
My situation is quite different as we received Sweet Pea when he was only 2 weeks old. But I still implemented all the things I read about. Cradling in your arms and making sure to make eye contact. Light back massages, skin on skin (with or without lotion). Lots of one on one time if possible (I know how hard this is).
February 19, 2009 at 8:46 am
I would imagine that you are right on the money…it has only been a few weeks since you have been home with the kids. Time and truth will definately make the difference. My sister just adopted a little girl (she was 9 months when they got her, she is 13 months now). The baby had previously been with 3 other families before my sister and her husband got custody. It even took her awhile to get situated with her new mom and dad. Your kids will see you every day/night praying and caring for them. Eventually they will realize “mommy” and “daddy” are not like the other adults around them…there is something special/different that sets you apart. You are not going anywhere…you are always there for them. They will see that. Your babies are older…it will just take more time…but I am sure they already see a difference in you compared to other adults.
February 19, 2009 at 10:10 am
I am reading Parenting the Hurt child, and I think it is very helpful. Recommended are lots of touch, massage, movement, eye contact, singing, swinging, rocking etc. Even things that might seem to “baby” for them are actually not.
I love reading your posts, and watching your story unfold, Bethany!
February 20, 2009 at 10:21 am
Hi Bethany and Joshua,
I visited your blog after seeing it posted on the yahoo group CafeKids.
We have adopted 9 kids, and all but one of them were between the ages of 5 – 10 at their homecoming.
You are wise to be taking the work of attachment and bonding very seriously. With older kids there is a high risk that it won’t happen without a conscious effort being made.
I have several suggestions to make and would like to share a few of our experiences over the years if you are interested.
At the risk of sounding like I am bragging….
I am the mother of ‘Will’, page 194, of Deborah Gray’s excellent book, Attaching in Adoption.
We are also in Melissa Fay Greene’s book, There is No Me Without You. You can find my name in the index.
Feel free to contact my via email. You are already heading in the right direction just by thinking about how to strengthen the bond!
February 21, 2009 at 2:26 am
Hi Bethany,
I just thought I would share that after being home for a month with our daughter from Russia we had to make the difficult decision to limit our activites to make sure our daughter was bonding to us and also to give us time to adjust to becoming parents. I pulled out of church for about 3 months (my husband had to go since he was a pastor.) Church was an overwhelming place for my child. So many people wanted to see her and talk to her. I felt bad because all of our dear church members had prayed some much for her and gave to our adoption, but it was too much attention and interaction for her and was interferrring with our bonding. So I did not attend church for about 3 months and when I went back I kept her with me for around another three months. We also had to limit family from coming over. We let the grandparents come over once a week for a few hours while we were there. This was so hard to do to our parents and other family, but I think 4 years later now they understand why we had to limit their visits and gifts. It does get tiring with that much intensive 24/7 parenting but it was worth it to us.
I really enjoy reading your blogs. I can’t imagine all your facing right now in your adjustment period, but I am encouraged by you as you look to God to be your strength.
May the Lord bless you
and keep you:
May the Lord make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you:
May the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace
Numbers 6:22-27
Sydney Gore
P.S. Something cute I heard once to help with eye contact and closeness is to lay down nose to nose with your child and feed each other some kind of treat like M&M’s.